Carbon Monoxide Man

Em and I both started attending the NHS Smoking Cessation Clinic at the National Addiction Centre (sounds impressive but it just happened to be our nearest clinic) three weeks ago. And I’m pleased to report that I haven’t had a cigarette since 6pm on September 18th (and neither has Emma).

Originally I had hoped to get a cheap prescription for some nicotine patches from my GP, but was told that in order to get one, I’d have to attend the seven-week smokers’ group at the clinic. Have to say I didn’t really fancy the prospect of sitting around with a bunch of 20 strangers ‘being supportive’ to one another… visions of Meatloaf in Fight Club… but I figured it was worth a shot if it got me off the damn fags.

The first session involved being seen for an individual assessment, and then introducing ourselves and talking about the different treatments on offer, such as Nicotine Replacement Therapy (patches, gum, sprays etc.) and Zyban. Thankfully I didn’t have to hug any men with breasts.

As the clinic wasn’t too keen on the Aversion Therapy Plan I had come up with (the NHS pays for a years’ supply of Marlboro Lights, and I smoke them as quickly as possible), I opted for Zyban, taking one tablet a day for six days leading up to Quit Day, at which point I started taking two a day. Zyban (bupropion hydrochloride) is only available on prescription, which is probably just as well as it does seem like dodgy stuff. It was originally developed as an anti-depressant, but turned out to be more effective at helping people to quit smoking — apparently it works on the neural pathways responsible for nicotine addiction, thus reducing the desire to smoke and relieving the withdrawl symptoms. Unfortunately it also has a list of side-effects as long as your arm, such as, er, death. But I guess the fags are still far more likely to kill me, so I think it’s worth a punt.

The sessions at the clinic last about an hour and a half, and are actually a lot more helpful than I expected. Each week the amount of carbon monoxide in our breath is measured, with non-smokers usually having about 1 to 4 parts per million. The first week everyone compared results — a few people had between 10 and 20 PPM, and everyone else had between 20 and 30. Except me. In a room full of heavy smokers, I had the highest result by far: 49 PPM. Someone said I should get a badge; I thought I should get my name down for a lung transplant. Still, it was clearly a freak reading, so when we had to repeat the test on the second week, I knew my result would be inline with everyone else’s… WRONG! Not content with being the highest in the group, I actually went and beat my high score with a whopping 64 PPM! I was mortified (no pun intended), the rest of the group were in stitches, and the staff looked shocked. Anyway, that was a week ago, and today after seven days without a fag, I measured my CO levels again, and scored 1 PPM! So I’m feeling quite chuffed and encouraged at the difference stopping has made.

A lot of the credit for my week without a fag has to go to Zyban, which I’ve found to be brilliant. Some of the people on it have had some crappy side-effects (trouble sleeping etc. but no deaths!) but I’ve had nothing more than a slightly quesy tum for a couple of days. I thought I’d be climbing the walls for a couple of weeks after stopping smoking, but the Zyban’s really helped me get over the cravings, and I’ve not felt any real temptation to smoke (even when pissed in a pub on Saturday night). I know it’s early days yet, but I’m feeling really positive.

If you’re reading this and want to find out about the help on offer for smokers, the NHS quit smoking site can point you in the direction of your nearest clinic. Crikey, that was my longest post for ages, wasn’t it?

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